I know what you're thinking. Did she, the relationship coach, just say, "Ignore your relationship focus on yourself?"
Well, yes and no. Of course you need to pay attention to your relationship. You need to continuously feed it so it will grow and be well cared for. But, here's what I notice: Sometimes we can obsess and worry our relationships to death! The pressure builds up with our negative focus and squeezes the life right out of it.
Here's what a wise mentor once told me at a time when I was obsessing with the woes of my relationship: Stop worrying about it and pay attention to yourself! Pay attention to building your own dreams and becoming the best person you can be.
This left a blank space in my mind at the time. What indeed was I going to start focusing on?? What did I want to do with my life and who was I trying to become? That questioning planted a seed in me about what I could really do with my life and what was really important to me. It brought renewed energy and a sense of personal fulfillment. I had something positive to pay attention to.
1) I stopped whining about my body and went to the gym instead.
2) I hung out with my friends more often, doing things that I haven't done in a while like attending plays, going hiking and camping. I just became more social and active.
3) I took a singing class and started doing my art work again.
4) I paid attention to my own moods and thoughts more and made a conscious effort to shift them.
5) I meditated more and found a spiritual practice that was really missing in my life.
And, you know what? It made me a better partner. I was more fun to be around. I had joie de vivre! Focusing on myself actually helped my relationship. And, it got my mind off all my partner's flaws and the relationship flaws. I didn't have time to worry about all that. I had things to do!
We bring ourselves into our relationships. Why not be our best selves?